A friend of mine said to me recently, “Kae…you’re not able to fall in love…you just like the idea of love.” When she said it, I kinda chuckled like “She’s cute…but she doesn’t really know me.” Another person made a comment along similar lines. She said, “Man, every time I see Kae, she’s with a new person.” For a split second, it was funny. But then I became saddened about the statement. What is it about me that does not allow me to give another person permission to reach the core of my heart? What is it about love that will not let me open up completely? I always say that true love is something that I want. I really do want to fall in love. I really do want to stand in love. But my heart is not easily given. My heart is one of the most precious vessels in my body, and I do protect it. Complete vulnerability with another person is something that I often contemplate, but those experiences have been few and far between. I will allow myself to be completely vulnerable yet again, but until then…
I have full faith and confidence that my special someone is out there, and I’ve been waiting for a long time for our paths to cross at a point when we are both ready, willing and able to love and be “in love.” The sometimes difficult task isn’t being ready, willing and able to love and be “in love” but it’s in figuring out if it’s the right person when they’re presented to you. Sometimes, you’re presented with Person A but Person A really turns out to be Person B (and that could be a good or a bad thing). It’s always been important for me to take my time and make sure I’m being presented with the person that I think I’ve found…and they need to also make sure they’re being presented with the person that they think they’ve found in me. There are things about my personality that will never, ever change. I am proud of who I am. I love who I am…and I need to be with someone who loves me just as I am, as well. I will meet that person who accepts me and who I feel that I can accept as is, but until then…
Sometimes, people early on in relationships say that they are willing to change for their mate. I’ve always thought that’s a bad proposition because the change that you experience should be just because you want to be a better person for yourself first and foremost. One of my favorite Gandhi phrases is “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” I really do believe that. If I want to surround myself by people who are good hearted, then that’s how I need to be. If I want a world where people are not jerks for the sake of being jerks, then I cannot surround myself with those types of people and I can’t allow myself to take on those traits. If I want people to be slow to anger, then that’s the person that I will be. If I want people to be balanced in the way they express their love and passions, then maybe I should be that person. Ultimately, you will find yourself surrounded by those same types of people that exude your personality traits. It’s not narcissistic…it’s just the laws of attraction. Sometimes it takes a little bit of time for the laws of attraction to manifest, but until then…
I firmly believe that at the end of the day, there are no mistakes. India.Arie has a song where she says her mate could be with her “a season or a lifetime, forever or a year…but for the first time in my life I’m not worried about the future….cause we have such a wonderful time when we’re together…however things turn out it’s alright…cause you’ve already changed my life.” I think those words are powerful. And I think that it’s a brave notion to be willing to walk away when you know that your relationship with a person has run its course. I guess that takes me back to the statements that were made about me — “Kae…you’re not able to fall in love…you just like the idea of love.” — “Man, every time I see Kae, she’s with a new person.” The foremost reality is, yes…I am able to fall in love and I know that it will happen when it’s supposed to but the time just isn’t now. The second reality is that I am bold and brave enough to look at relationships realistically and make the determination that the person that I’m with is not my “lifetime.” The third reality is that I am happy with who I am, where I am in life, and how I’ve been blessed to have had love experiences, but I am in no hurry to find that person before my time. I know that my heart will eventually say yes, but until then…
*kae*
Good for you for recognizing that finding the right love sometimes takes patience. I was 33 before I met “the one.” Before him, I went through a string of Person A’s who turned into Person B’s, and I kept scratching my head asking, “Why do I keep attracting Mr. Wrong?” Turns out I had underlying issues related to my parent’s divorce. Once I resolved those and accepted that I truly deserve real love, Mr. Right just sort of appeared. And I knew it was him because, as you wrote about in your last paragraph, my heart spoke (not my head).
Good luck! Keep at it, and stay strong. Your love wants you as much as you want them.
Hey! I appreciate the comment. When I hear stories like yours, it’s encouraging. And it does give me even more strength to wait until my true love appears. Have a great day!
Hi Kae, Very thoughtful post! I think you have a nice perspective on love. Sometimes the most wonderful person ever can be presented to you but it just isn’t the right timing in your life for the relationship to work. Sometimes, like you wrote, the relationship is meant to run its course but it isn’t meant for a lifetime. I think each experience is meant to teach you something about life and about yourself. Everything will fall in place in time!
You know…love is a tricky thing. And it’s not a slam dunk everytime you think it is, so you have to keep a good perspective and be not discouraged. I am totally open to a relationship running its course–however long that may be. Time always tells the tale.
Ladybug…I remember some of those convo’s! I am glad to see you arent disheartened and know your love is out there! And always remember, when ure feeling all blue…who loves you?? ME!!
*muah*